I wish I could teleport
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
