if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
