Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
