Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
