the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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