An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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