Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Damn victory sex feels great
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
