A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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