so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
