I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
