Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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