yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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