hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
