I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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