Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
