there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
