These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I know her cup size but not her name....
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