and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
