when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
