R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
