My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need moral support for this bender
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
