I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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