Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
