how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
