my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
