Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
