You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
