I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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