I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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