Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
