Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
