if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
