i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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