I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
