ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
