Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
