I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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