I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
