He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
