i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
