I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
