I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
