we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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