How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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