His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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