Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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