Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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