Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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