Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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