I'm eating all of the evidence.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
