I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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