I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
