So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
