On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
